This post is dedicated to all those people who go to extreme lengths to achieve the proverbial fountain of youth. To all those who won’t (run screaming for the hills) balk at the thought of excretion on their faces or blood suckers on their body, to all those who haven’t considered the fact that if you aren’t ageing, you are dead. I salute you. To everyone else, myself included, hold on to your Louboutins because listed below are some of the world’s weirdest beauty treatments. They aren’t in any particular order either because…well what is the Richter scale for strange?
Placenta Face Mask
From new mothers encapsulating and swallowing theirs to… facials? Placenta facials use freeze-dried, sterilized powder made from placentas taken after live human births or from other mammals, such as pigs, sheep or goats. Apparently placenta is full of proteins and enzymes which seems to make it okay to apply placenta-based products to help soothe the skin after a laser treatment or exfoliation — more traditional cosmetic procedures with anti-aging benefits. Now have you ever seen a placenta? Freeze dried, schmeeze dried… my face will not be slathered in that.
Yep! Sperm contains spermine which is high in anti oxidants and is being touted as the next anti aging miracle without actual dermatological evidence. I know you are wondering about this but no, the spas don’t use the…Erm…‘organically sourced’ material but synthetic spermine prepped in a facility somewhere. Thank goodness for that at least, who knows what STIs you would get from going ‘organic’ – ladies don’t buy into the whole ‘swallowing it is healthy’ line either. According to Columbia University’s health promotion website, you would need to be “gulping gallons of it each day” to experience any of the positive effects of semen. Indeed, if you look at the nutritional content of a “single serving” of semen, the only notable nutrient it contains is zinc. And even then, it depends on the source.
Bull Semen Hair Masques
Since we are on the sperm train, I thought, why not? So did Calif.-based salon TheBroot which specializes in all-natural hair masks and offers clients a shot of the semen if they say they want their treatment “animal style.” Do you want soft, shiny locks? Are you in love with extreme beauty? Forget coconut oil, this one is just for you! I on the other hand can’t help thinking of Cameron Diaz’s hair in ‘There’s Something About Mary.’
Also known as ‘urotherapy’ it’s exactly what you think it is – using your own urine as a healing ingredient. Urine when applied onto the skin with a clean, damp cloth as a beauty treatment, can clear psoriasis, eczema and acne. Urine baths date as far back as ancient Egypt, India, China and 18th century France. Some even encourage drinking the urine. I politely decline to participate in this gross ritual, not least because it seems counter-productive to use what the body has worked so hard to expel.
Bird Poo or Geisha Facial
Urine, poo, snot, sperm…I’m sensing an excretory pattern.
Anyway, here is the scoop. A type of nightingale, the Japanese bush warbler, is fed on a special diet of organic seeds. The bird poop is then sanitized, dried and ground into a fine powder that is reconstituted and used as facial cream. The poop is said to contain urea which is great for moisturisation when left on the skin and guanine – a naturally iridescent material that only works when left on your face to leave you glittery. It has no skin brightening or lightening properties. My two cents… if you want to enjoy the benefits of urea, just purchase a great moisturiser with urea in it. No poop needed.
Speaking of facelifts, there is a new lethal weapon against ageing – snake venom. When topically applied, snake venom temporarily inhibits muscle activity, which prevents and reduces the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. Sonya Dakar Skincare produced a synthetic version, a.k.a. “syn-ake,” which is a painless and relatively hassle-free alternative to invasive lasers and Botox. Just incorporate it into your skincare regimen and after about three weeks of consistent application, one should notice a dramatic difference in the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. As bizarre as it sounds, I can get on this train. I mean who wouldn’t want a facelift with no needles?!
Not in the mood for snakes? How about a bee venom mask to achieve that fake facelift? If it’s good enough for the Duchess of Cambridge, it’s good enough for you. Just make sure you aren’t allergic to it first, I wouldn’t want you breaking out in hives(I just had to) or worse.
Now this train, I would never ever get on. Never. This terrifying massage treatment involves the use of a variety of snakes. The larger ones are meant to soothe muscle pain while the small ones are meant to give a ‘fluttering’ feeling. All while coiling around your bare, that’s right BARE torso. ‘Oh what sharp fangs you have. All the better to sink into you my dear.’
Since ancient times, leeches have been used for medical purposes. Today the anti-coagulating effects of the Hirudin in leech saliva has been put to use in surgery. Leech therapy has been used to in both plastic surgery and limb reattachment .It was only a matter of time before it resurged as a beauty treatment. We all have Demi Moore to thank for shedding the light on this bloody beauty treatment.
I blame this on the recent supernatural craze. Two to four vials of blood are drawn from your arm, the platelets are separated with a centrifuge. Your face is then poked with microneedles before applying the platelet-rich plasma back onto your face. This is said to heal wounds and stimulate collagen growth on your face. I believe there are less dramatic ways to get a youthful flush to your cheeks.
This is not an exhaustive list by far, just enough to make you raise your perfectly threaded eyebrows.
Of course, there are some treatments that just call my name, like the cactus massage, chocolate themed body treatments, relaxing in an oxygen bubble and heck, venom face lifts. What are some of the weirdest treatments you’ve heard of?